Umbrellas

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 Whenever there is rainy day in New York City, diverse in colors and looking like enormous mushrooms umbrellas fill the gloomy streets. There are no two umbrellas that look alike. Even the most common ones (classically, black) differ in size and design. If you are not too busy rushing somewhere, turn around, and you will see a mother with a stroller and a huge umbrella that covers both her and the baby, or a young thin girl in a light raincoat with a bright orange umbrella with flowers on it. There are also a bold red one, a girly pink one, one that is white with St.Patrick's day color sections as a reminder of the last week's holiday and many others.

Like umbrellas, there are no two people who are exactly the same. They may have similar features appearance-wise, but the way they think and values they have always differ. As we often spend hours disputing about something important for us with our best friends, failing to come to a compromise, our differences make us unique and interesting.

Understanding that we are so dissimilar with some people helps to communicate with them more effectively. Here are some tips that will help you... no, not to tolerate, as this word means "putting up with," no matter how kind it sounds, but to embrace other human beings and make significant business or personal connections:

1. Listen. There are other points of view besides yours. You may not even suspect that they exist, so ask people about what they think rather than attacking them agressively with your words. There is always another side of the story, and learning what it is often helps to come to a quicker and more peaceful compromise.

2. Agree. There is a useful phrase that lets others know that you understand and respect their opinion, while having yours that is not the same. This phrase is "yes, but." Short as it is, it helps. For instance, you desperately want to have a cat, but your parents object that the cat will smell bad, and you will not take care of it properly. Don't jump right at them, but intend to see what worries them and reply kindly, "Yes, I know you believe I'm still a child lacking responsibility, but there has to be a time in my life to learn how to be reliable and take care of others. Having a cat will definitely help me to develop those qualities that will be crucial for my adult life." Even if it doesn't get you a cat, in the worst case, it will allow you to avoid conflicts and to let your parents see that you are a rationally thinking grown-up now, a person whose opinion also matters. Perceiving respect and understanding in your words, they will be inclined to pay you back

3. Keep calm. There are folks out there looking for trouble. They are intentionally trying to make you angry, to yell at them, so that they have a reason to scream back at you. Some people even do this unconsciously. If "don't lower yourself to their level" doesn't work for you, think about it this way: they are waiting for you to spit out curse words. Therefore, you should disarm them with your politeness. If they say something unpleasant in response, it will only make them look bad, not you. In most cases, however, they will be lost, as this will not be the reaction they usually expect.

4. Know when it's time to leave. You check the clock to find out when you have to leave home to go to work or school. Similarly, confess to yourself: is this conversation going nowhere? Sometimes the discussion is heating up, and the best thing you can do is to think it over and come back to it the following day when the person you are arguing with and you cool off and be able to come back to it in a calmer conversation.

image credit: esquire.com

The moral is: don't try to sell your umbrella to those who don't like its style or brand, but try to see the beauty of their one and accept its existence under this grey with clouds and weeping with rain drops New York skyline. When many umbrellas are put together, they create a bigger protective shield over our heads compared to the tiny and lonely aura of a single one no matter how proudly we carry it around.








                                                                
                                                                                  

Couponing Is Not Just an Annoying Hobby

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Have you ever seen those people who go around looking for coupons that they can use to buy groceries, household items or beauty products? You must have thought they were crazy. I used to think that, too. How much can you save on those coupons? Some of them even require you to mail the coupon to the company to redeem it. But one day I watched a TV program about a woman who collected enough coupons to buy $600 worth of products in a large supermarket for less than $3. I am still shocked trying to figure out how she managed to do so.

However, I have used coupons myself, and some deals that they offer are really worth hunting for. For example, I always wanted to try Smart Balance Fat Free milk, as I heard that it was delicious and not fattening, but it is so expensive that it's cheaper to buy a gallon of regular 2% milk than a half gallon of the Smart Balance one. But one time I received a coupon that allowed me to buy that milk for about $1.99 (if not cheaper, I don't quite remember), and I tried it. It was great. I'm just still not ready to spend up to $5 on it, so I guess, I'll wait for another coupon.

Enticed by these examples, you may now be willing to go hunt for discounts. The question is: where to go? There are several places that you can get coupons from:

1. Newspapers and magazines.

2. Booklets that you can find in supermarkets and pharmacies. Sometimes they just list the current discounts they offer (which is great to know, too), but there are often coupons or promotions that you can use to lower the price of your purchases.

3. Online resources. With the development of the Internet, it is now so easy to find discounts. If you are a student, by the way, you can find student savings options at www.campusclipper.com. There is a coupon booklet that you can download and use for food, beauty, health and services in New York City area (with your student ID). You can also go to their website and download a single coupon that you are going to use.

4. Supermarket checkout. When a cashier scans your items, you may notice that there is a coupon that the machine by the register prints out for you (usually you need to have a member's card, which is free, so get it from the place where you shop regularly). Ask the cashier to give it to you (sometimes they don't), and use it next time. That's how I got my Smart Balance coupon. I couldn't believe my happiness!

There are, perhaps, other places where you can encounter great discount coupons, but these are the ones I know about and the ones you can start with if you decide to make couponing your new hobby.

What's next?

When you find coupons, make sure they are not expired, see whether or not you satisfy all the requirements and how easy it will be for you to find the store and get a discount. If you have to travel to New Jersey to get $2 off Honey Nut Cheerios, you will spend more money getting there, so it doesn't make sense to bother.

Well, and the following step should probably be sharing your knowledge with others. Living in a huge and expensive city, we should all support each other and help our fellow New Yorkers to save money as well.

                                                                 

After a Rainy Day



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 What started out yesterday as a drizzling rain ended up being a day-long shower. An evening like that should be spent at home under a warm and cozy blanket with a cup of delicious herbal tea that warms your body and soothes your soul. Sitting on the couch in front of your TV, you can hear rain drops hitting the ground and wonder how much water is there in the street. The Weather Channel said it would make an inch. "Ahh," you sigh quietly. Rainy days make you feel helpless, as walking to a grocery store means coming back soaking wet and because you have no roommates, you feel separated from your friends by the unbreachable wall of water. "Ahh," you sigh again.

But this morning when you woke up, the sun light was already playing on your face cheering you up and drying the flooded street. And you stretched in your comfortable bed anticipating what pleasant surprises the day would bring you. "Wow," you mumble, "it's going to be a beautiful Monday." Sure, didn't you know that after a rainy day there is always a sunny one.

Accordingly, after a failure, there is always a win. If you feel that your life is not taking you in the direction you would like to take, do not panic. Give yourself some time to cool off and think about where you are not doing the best you can and how you can improve. It is important that you remain positive and think logically. Don't ignore advices your friends and relatives give you and listen to the warm words of support they say. If there is no one there for you when the times are hard, get someone to be near you. Explain that you are not feeling positive about yourself or your future, and they will encourage you and perhaps, point out some of the weaknesses in your strategy you haven't noticed. Problems are temporary; life is moving forward, so don't get stuck in the rain if you can get a lift or a place you can wait for the sunny day in the meantime.

If the rain lasts longer than a day, people often feel paralyzed by the weather, and they are reluctant to come out of their dens. Similar to this, unfortunate events tend to discourage us preventing us from moving forward. "I'm good for nothing," many of us exclaimed without truly meaning it. Do you know there are a lot of children and teenagers out there who never learned how to ride a bike or how to ice-skate? Does it make them worse than others? Absolutely not. First of all, it's never late to get the skill (I went ice-skating for the first time when I was 17, and I was horrible, scared to death that I'd fall and break something). Secondly, every individual chooses what he or she likes to do and goes for it. Not all of us have the same talents and abilities. You are unique, as are other people, so don't worry that there is something you can't do as well as Amy, Martin, Paul or others.

And finally, if something goes dreadfully wrong, think of a way to change it radically. I remember reading "The Alchemist" by Paolo Coelho, and the book taught that if the way you've taken is "yours" (meaning, truly the best choice for you), you will meet no obstacles. If you come across too many of them, may be you took a wrong road. Consider this and remember that you are the master of your life, so it's up to you to make an alteration.

And don't forget: this is New York, a beautiful city that doesn't have a rainy season that lasts three months.

Talk to Me

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It is amazing how often people say, "Talk to me." It is even more curios that in many cases what they mean is "I will talk, and you will listen." Why do we forget that communication goes both ways: "you talk, and I listen, and then we switch?" Knowing a little bit about transactional analysis can help reduce misunderstanding and establish and effective connection. Here is how I see it. According to the psychology of transactional analysis, there are three major roles: Parent (mimicking our parents' behavior), Child (acting like we did during childhood) and Adult (thinking and acting sanely, perceiving information as it is). To have a successful conversation, two adults are needed in order to share the ideas and give each other rational advices. However, it often happens that we behave inappropriately, and the conversation we have with someone leads us nowhere. Let's see how the roles we take on influence the way we speak.

1. Parent. This role supposes that I (the person taking on the role) am knowledgeable and need to teach others. Behaving this way people usually lecture others and point out their mistakes with an air of authority. There are accordingly three responses to this kind of behavior:
Parent: "Why are you telling me what to do, I know better than that."
Child: "You always think I'm stupid, and it hurts me."
Adult: "Let's see what lesson I can get from this speech."
An effective communication occurs in the last case only, as the goal of a conversation is to learn something new and what's even better, find a solution to a particular problem that bothered us. It is crucial to understand that when a person lectures us, it is not because he/she considers us to be stupid or him/her to be smarter; he/she does this in order to help us, and this is the individual's way to do it. If such a manner bothers you, break the ice and tell the person with a smile, "You are talking just like my mom." The person should get the clue and switch to the adult's role with no offense.

2. Child. This role is characterized by ingenuousness and spontaneous expression of emotions. People in this role may be playful and avoid getting straight to the point. But they are certainly easier to deal with than Parents. Often, though, they would expect you to stay within their game, and if you are not feeling like it, tell them trying not to offend them. A Child may offer to go watch TV instead of cleaning the house, for example, which may provoke the following reactions:
Parent: "No, you have to clean the house first, you never do it." (Child will get upset, so be careful with this.)
Child: "Sure! I'd love to." (Perfect communication, but the house stays dirty.)
Adult: "That's cool, but why don't we clean first, and then we'll have the rest of the day to watch the programs we like not thinking about the chores." (Probably, the best way to go, if the "Child" won't start crying, and Adult turns submissively into a Parent or a Child.)

3. Adult. This is the level all communication should ideally strive for. A person opens his/her mouth to give out neutral information that can be of use to the interlocutor. Now the thing is how they are going to use it. They may also feel that they are being lectured or diminished, but they are less likely to react aggressively.

Understanding that people switch roles quickly throughout a conversation helps to communicate in an effective way. If you know that you are talking to a Parent, show him/her respect and assure that their opinion matters. If you are conversing with a Child, play with him/her trying to turn serious matters into an exciting game ("While cleaning the house, we're gonna play Treasure Hunt."). Finally, if your interlocutor is an adult, you can relax; just don't let out your own inner Parent or Child, or this will be a trouble for your communication partner now.

For more info on Transactional Analysis, check out Wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis

                                                                             

On Stepping on People's Feet

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It is the first time Mary is wearing her new spring shoes. She is so excited to walk the streets of New York City in those shiny patent-leather shoes that she has already wiped them twice with a dry cloth to make sure that no dust will diminish their beauty. Finally, she leaves her house and walks to the subway. Right away she notices that people approve of her choice. Men look down at her shoes and smile widely when complimenting her. Women look envious. They would love to have shoes like these, too. Mary tries hard to seem indifferent about getting all this attention.She is now inside the station, and she swipes her bright-yellow metrocard and rushes down the stairs to catch the oncoming train. The moment Mary happily gets in, a clumsy man, who also wants to enter the car before the doors close, pushes her to the left and steps on her right foot. "AWWW!" screams Mary, not so much with pain, but because she is outraged: he stepped on her new precious shoe. The man doesn't bother to apologize and takes a seat. Mary's day is hopeleslly spoiled.

Note that the man didn't notice that Mary's shoes were new, and he has no idea how much he hurt her. It often happens that we offend people not realizing it, thinking that it is a fine thing to do, "not a big deal." We don't always know what meaning other people put into what is a mere nothing for us. But in many times, it  is a big deal, and we should learn how to avoid offending others unintentionally. If you find it difficult, here three easy tips on how to recognize that you did something wrong and correct it:

1. A person yells at you, says something rude or looks at you dryly. It may be as well that the man or woman is grumpy and wants to spread his/her bad mood to others. In both cases, you should ask, "What's the matter?" with the most charming smile you can get out of yourself. If you did something wrong, they will immediately tell you what it was, and if they are in a bad mood, let them feel bad for letting it out on you, such a nice and polite individual.

2. You are directly told that you offended someone. If a person tells you straight to your face that you behaved like an asshole, you should admit that you were wrong (if you agree you were), or explain that your actions didn't mean any harm and you didn't realize that he/she would take offense. In either situation, apologize and try to end the conversation on a friendly note.

3. A person doesn't speak to you at all. Start a conversation yourself. Then you will get one of the reactions mentioned above, and then you will know what to do next.

And remember that if you don't talk, you will never find out what you are not doing right. Communication resolves complications, so you should always speak out your concerns if you have any. On the contrary, if someone offended you, consider that their actions may have been inadvertent as well, and forgive them, as to err is human, and humans we all are.