Good-bye, "Breaking Bad"!

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We have reached the end of the "BB" spree!

Heisenberg is dead. Jesse's finally free. 

Will he look for Brock and adopt the kid

To repair the damage he - not on purpose - did?

Hank has been avenged, and so has been Drew:

Walter murdered Jack and his entire crew. 

Eliot and Gretchen will go on in fear.

They, like all of us, hold their lives too dear. 

They'll donate the money; Flynn will never bother

To suspect that it was given by his father.

Aunt Marie's a widow. Skyler's got her life 

Back from being a drug dealer's wife. 

Lydia is poisoned; she is not a liver.

That cold-blooded woman! God, would you forgive her
For the hits she put on so many men

(Well, for all we know, there were more than ten)?

Holly will grow up cheerful and unhurt. 

Everyone has got what he or she deserved. 

Only for the fans there's no happy end: 

What will we be doing without "Breaking Bad"?

Comedy Central in Central Park

Gabriel Iglesias, the host of "Comedy Central Stars Under the Stars"

Having attended "Comedy Central Stars Under the Stars," the stand-up show that took place last night in Central Park as a part of the annual NYC-wide Summer Stage festival, I once again saw that LOL is not just something one puts in the end of his or her text message. For the most part, the comedians did a great job entertaining the crowd and connecting with it, and the warm after-rain air served as a wonderful setting for a fun night out.

Excited about listening to the famous Comedy Central stand-up performers, no one minded standing in a mile-long entrance line. As a result, the place was packed, and lots of people who showed up late and could not get in stood behind the fences. Yes, many Summer Stage events are free, but one needs to come as early as possible to get good spots. Aside from the VIP area with white folding chairs, there was lots of room on the ground. Experienced Summer Stage visitors made sure to bring blankets or towels to sit on. Beer and wine were sold at the event to those over 21 with a valid ID. In other words, it was a mass picnic with live entertainment in the heart of New York City.

As the crowd was consuming cold beer and yummy-smelling food sold on site, the show began with an opening set by Dan Soder, who talked about New York and the ways of surviving in the city. As the crowd learned, the best way to avoid being mugged and beaten in a shady neighborhood was to fake a Russian accent because no one would dare to mess with a Russian. His witty jokes got the crowd into the laughing mood right away. Sadly, his performance ended soon, and he was followed by the host of the evening, Gabriel "Fluffy" Iglesias. 

Of all the comedians, Iglesias did the best job communicating with the crowd. He constantly picked on the AT&T crowd located to the right from the stage and addressed the first rows, whom he warned that were he to fall down from the stage, they would have a smashing 3D experience. A Mexican-American from Los Angeles, Iglesias told a lot of hilarious jokes about different kinds of Latinos. According to him, the word "Latino" appeared in order not to insult a Puerto Rican by calling him a Dominican, etc. He also demonstrated his ability to laugh at himself, his appearance and adventures, which the crowd definitely appreciated. 

When it was time for Iglesias to get off the stage, he announced the next comedian, the "Workaholics" star Adam DeVine who did not get as much applause as the previous performers. His jokes could be divided into two categories: stories about himself being recognized in the street for the first few times and the "bad ideas your beer whispers into your ear as you are drinking it" that sounded like extracts from anti-drinking commercials. But even with all that, he would undoubtedly be funnier if he did not say the word "stupid" after every other joke. 

In contrast to DeVine's "beer talk," the following comedian, John Mulaney, announced up front that he was a recovering alcoholic, and therefore, a non-drinker. He also told stories about his life, and his monologue was charged with positive energy. For instance, when he talked about an unsuccessful stand-up show he had in Tennessee, he admitted that one of the audience members called him off the stage so eloquently that it could have been a line from a poem, "The silence would be more pleasant than the sound of your voice." Mulaney ended his performance with the analysis of the saying "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" in which he discussed, in a funny and loving way, a few good reasons why a man would want to get married.

As the evening progressed, live entertainment became more diverse. The next comedian, Jeffrey Ross, not only talked, but also made fun of twelve volunteers from the audience who were courageous and fast enough to get on the stage. In addition, he sang, played the guitar and danced. His monologue relied heavily on sex, and he was pretty fresh with the female volunteers, and even with a teenage couple, who should not have been listening to him, let alone come up on stage (Iglesias, who said a few words before and after every comedian, asked the parents of the children not to press charges and assured the crowd that Comedy Central did not share any of Ross's opinions). Jokes aside, Ross's humor, overall, was good-natured and not insulting to anyone. The brightest note of his performance was the last song, "Have a Blessed F-ing Day," which gave the audience another charge of positive energy. 

Finally, the last comedian of the night was Amy Schumer, the star of Comedy Central's new series, "Inside Amy Schumer." She happened to be the only female performer, and her humor dealt mostly with women and topics that interest them: relationships, sex, appearance, self-confidence etc. She was quite funny, but the crowd did not receive it too well when she said that Blacks stole everything from Native Americans. She also appeared a little too self-centered, compared to her colleagues. 

Even though some jokes and comedians turned out to be more memorable than others, the audience remained positive and supportive throughout the evening. Laughs and applause were heard from all directions, and people eagerly whistled to express love for their favorite stars. There is really nothing to lose attending Summer Stage: if you like it, you'll have the time of your life, and if you don't, you paid nothing for it, so you can leave any time and do something else. My favorite part about living in New York is that something is always going on. All we have to do is to learn about it and find time to attend it. 

A Man in Women's Locker Room, or a Visit to Brooklyn Banya

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Going to a bathhouse, one expects to have a wonderful relaxing day for his or her mind and body. With all its nice looks, Brooklyn Banya, however, brings extra stress into people's lives instead of reducing it. It all starts with the man continuously cleaning the women's locker room.

Just imagine: a woman comes into the locker room and sees a man cleaning. She thinks, ok, he will go away now that I'm here, right? You wish! The man doesn't even move, and he only leaves - reluctantly - when she kindly asks him to do so. Great start!

To give the man credit, the locker rooms are perfectly clean; he obviously maintains them well. They are also spacious, and have everything there should be: benches, three large shower cabins and a few hair dryers. The locker rooms and the interior of the bathhouse look like they have been recently renovated and well-maintained. 

The recreation area consists of a steam room, a wet sauna, a dry sauna, a jacuzzi and a pool. The saunas are quite small, which is ok, considering that the place is usually not busy on weekdays. The pool is just big enough to throw oneself from one side to another, although it's refreshing after a sauna or jacuzzi. Some bathhouses have pools with such cold water only the experienced ones can stay in for a long time. Brooklyn Banya does not; it is chilly after the heat, but not uncomfortable. 

The water both in the pool and in the jacuzzi is suspiciously cloudy, and one can even see a dried leave floating by in the pool. However, the saunas are kept clean and neat. The guests are politely offered massage, platska (oak leaves detoxing treatment), or body scrub, and once the jacuzzi stops bubbling, someone notices and turns it back on. Together with the smiley and upbeat receptionist, it must be said that the customer service is overall pretty good. 

At the same time, the guests are only allowed to use two towels per person, or rent a "better" towel, bigger and thicker one, for the whole day, as well as a robe. There are no towel baskets in the locker rooms, so it is not clear where one should leave them in the end of the day unless of course, the man in the women's locker room takes them away. And yes, as she is ready to take a shower and go home, he is still there, cleaning. The routine does not change: she insists that he leaves, he hesitates, saying that he won't bother her (hope not!). Quick shower - before he came back - and out the door. 

Not quite a relaxing experience one expects from a spa, and not anything special worth coming back for.

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ro_buk/6736138019/">ro_buk [I'm not there]</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a>

Winter in New York

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So the real winter finally came to New York, like a late-arriving guest whom no one expected. You know, the real winter, when the wind acts like Kazanova trying by all means to get underneath your clothes. The time of the year when the longer the jacket, the longer distances you can walk. The only thing that's missing from this real winter is snow, but something's telling me it's yet to come.

Winter days like this remind me of January back in Kazan. The winters over there are not the coldest, but there are days when no matter how many clothes one layers, nothing seems to work. And the snow often doesn't melt for weeks. That was when I learned how to endure cold very well. In the light of current events, it seems natural that I should share a few pieces of advice on how to survive the rough weather:

1. Consume a lot of hot foods and liquids. I drink a lot of tea, day and night, and it keeps me warm. Coffee, hot chocolate and soup are other great ways to resist cold, to name a few.

2. Insulate windows and doors. If they don't close tightly, there's a great chance that some cold wind will get inside and cool down your apartment or house. Some stores sell plastic wrap for windows, which does not provide absolute protection, yet it keeps the chill out, and on a 20 degree day you'll feel the difference.

Of course, if you're the lucky one who opens the windows all winter long, you got nothing to worry about.

If, however, your dwelling happens to be a cold one, a good heater will warm it up pretty quickly, which brings your electricity bill way up beyond your budget. Since gas is cheaper than electricity, it might be a good idea to organize a cookaway. Or merely boil water for tea all you want, and stay warm.

3. Don't go outside without a good reason. Hard to abide, isn't it? There are so many things to do in New York! I personally love going ice-skating. Moving around the half-empty rink, I don't feel the cold at all. But seriously, if your house is warm, there's no better place to survive winter than inside it.

4. If you do go outside, put on a lot of layers. A T-shirt, a turtleneck, and a sweater or two will do. Layering prevents the wind from getting to your skin, and even if all layers are thin, together they are like a powerful army.

5. Wear longer jackets, those that cover up the split between your sweater and your pants/skirt. In general, the less naked body parts are sticking out, the warmer you will feel. Wait! I was referring to ears and hands, and what did you think?

6. Keep your limbs warm. Even if the rest of your body is warm, cold limbs will cause a lot of discomfort, so make sure you have warm winter shoes and cozy gloves. If your floors are cold, wear slippers and socks, as many as needed.

7. And finally, moisturize your skin. It's not so much the cold, but its effects that you have to worry about. Under the influence of cold, for instance, your skin dries out and breaks. I would not recommend you to put cream right before you go outside (you don't want the moisturizer to freeze inside your pores, do you?) I'd suggest to apply cream once you get home, or, for your hands, right before putting gloves on.

And if your hands do fell victim to cold weather, read How to Treat Dry Cracked Hands.

A Murder Mist with a Twist

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If you have been longing to see a fascinating murder mystery unwrap in front of you, this is the film you cannot miss.

Coincidentally being a movie about mass shooting in Pittsburgh that took lives of five innocent people and scheduled to come to big screens on December, 15, right after the day of the Sandy Hook shooting, the release of Jack Reacher, directed by Christopher McQuarrie, who has written the screenplay for The Tourist (2010) and The Usual Suspects (1995), was postponed till December, 21. Due to its unusual twist, the fact that from the very first scene the audience knows who the real killer is, this murder investigation keeps us in suspense all throughout the movie.

All the evidence points to James Barr (Joseph Sikora: Safe, The Best Man for the Job), an ex-sniper, who continued exercising in his shooting even after his release from the army. Still, for the audience, it is clear up front that Barr is not the one who pulled the trigger, even though his estranged look screams "psychopath." However, Detective Emerson (David Oyelowo: The Help, The Rise of the Planet of the Apes) and the District Attorney, Alex Rodin (The Rum Diary, Hall Pass), are convinced by the mist of evidence that he is guilty, and they offer him an alternative: to sign a confession, or to face death penalty. Instead, Barr asks to get Jack Reacher (Tom Cruise: Mission Impossible - Ghost Protocol), who served along with Barr and knows his most terrible secrets.

Easier said than done: Jack Reacher is not the man one can find. After leaving the army, Tom Cruises's character literally vanished from everyone's sight. As he himself explains it, "I'm the man who wants to be left alone." He is a myth, a superhero and an embodiment of justice, who puts truth above the law, and being good at combat and attentive to details, and with a little bit of luck, he succeeds at yet another mission impossible.

There is also an additional plot twist: the defense attorney is Mr. Rodin's daughter, Helen (Rosamund Pike: Devil You Know, Surrogates), a pacifist, who is trying to save Barr from death penalty, even though she herself is not convinced of his innocence. No one except Jack Reacher, an ex-army, who agrees to assist Helen Rodin as a lead investigator, gives Barr the benefit of doubt. As Reacher and Ms. Rodin work together on Barr's case, we expect a love story to develop, but we never get one.

In fact, it seems that there is no story at all: there was a murder, and a clear suspect is in custody. Where will all this go? At the same time, we keep wondering how everything came together so perfectly against Barr and how it will get resolved in the end. One piece of the puzzle at a time, we learn the terrible story behind: the murders were not random, and Barr was made a scapegoat. At the same time, what Reacher tells Ms. Rodin about Barr is not in the inmate's favor; on the contrary, it makes him even less likable. And still, we want the true justice for the man, just like Reacher and Helen Rodin do.

The problem is, the more pieces of the puzzle come together to form the correct picture, the more people disappear.

In addition to the plot, which unwraps gradually and keeps the audience members holding on to their armchairs, the movie is done with a touch of humor, which despite the tragic events, makes the viewers smile here and there. Some of the assailants in the movie are clowns rather than real gangsters; they think they are professional murderers, but they are, in fact, unskilled cowards, who cannot take down their target. In a way, they are gangster parodies.

Similarly, Barr is just a cold-blooded assassin parody. Jack Reacher, who knows Barr well enough, doubts both his shooting skills he thinks little of, and the carelessness with which he supposedly committed the massacre. We feel pity for him in the end because he doesn't remember where he was during the crime and even believes he was the one who committed it. At the same time, this makes us ponder how safe it is to have trained killers walking around with guns and no recollection of their actions.

And finally, despite the fact that the whole movie is built around violence, for the most part, it is not explicit or bloody. As the mist around the murder clears out and we are afraid for more lives to be lost, we get a feeling of satisfaction that there is someone, a myth like Jack Reacher, who wants to do real justice where law is helpless. 

Time to Make Wishes

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Breathing heavily, the old year is preparing to depart. It has always excited me to turn a page into a new year. I am always looking forward to it like a child to birthday presents. "The way you celebrate New Year's Eve, that's what the year will be like," Russians say, and it works for me. That's why I try to leave no unfinished business in the old year.

And one of my favorite things to do is to write a list of wishes for New Year in order to look back at it when the year is over and see how much progress I have made. The truth is, sometimes we do not realize how much we have actually accomplished. The list helps to make things clear.

But of course, out of ten or so items, there's a lot left undone in the end of the year, and I do not get upset about those things. Everything has its time. The unaccomplished goals will remain on the list for the following year. As long as there is a direction and sort of a plan, everything will work out just fine.

To tell the truth, even though this was not the greatest year of all, with hurricane Sandy, the end of the world prognosis and many other bad news the TV was boasting of, I am very proud of myself looking back at 2012. I have published my first short story in an online magazine and came back to blogging. I have continued the quest for my dreams at Hunter College, and what a fruitful semester that was! I have also learned how to dance salsa and taken a few writing classes, not because I had to, but because they brought me joy and satisfaction.

I like to think of New Year as of moving to another apartment: bringing the best of my belongings with me, leaving the junk behind and making a list for the future. That's exactly what I am planning to do in the next 24 hours. Time to make wishes, ladies and gentlemen!

A Taste for Writing

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www.the-blueprints.com

There finally is a book about writing fiction that does not only teach the readers the tricks of fiction craft through writing assignments they can try when they have free time, but also tells a story of a teacher, who is struggling with her family situation and writer's block at the same time. The book is The Fiction Class by Susan Breen, and it is a pleasant and inspiring read for those who likes reading and writing stories.

The action takes place within ten weeks of Arabella Hicks' fiction writing class in New York City, over the course of which she teaches her students about plot, character, voice, etc. Every week there are in-class and take-home assignments, some of which the students share with each other. The reader feels that he or she is also present in the class learning the writing craft, contemplating the assignments and hearing the discussions.

At the same time, the book is built around Arabella's story. She is a single woman in her late thirties, whose mother is ill and resides in a nursing home. Arabella's relationship with her mother is distant; she visits her mother every Wednesday, which happened to be the day of her writing class this time. As Arabella tells her mother, Vera, about the class, she realizes that Vera herself always wanted to be a writer, and she discusses the exercises with her, wondering what her mother would make of them.

One great thing about the book is the variety of characters, the mysteries unraveled in front of the reader as the class progresses. They have their own joys and tragedies they share as they become more comfortable with the teacher and their classmates. Every one of them has different reasons for taking the fiction class, and many are wondering if they have talent for writing, to which Arabella responds that it is often not the talent but determination that makes a writer.

Of course, the most complex and vivid character is the protagonist, Arabella. She has a few flaws and a few virtues. She has not been a remarkable writer and she has never published a novel. In the beginning of the novel we are wondering if she is qualified to teach the fiction class. Whether or not she is a good daughter is also questionable. At the same time, she is very observant and not judgmental, as every writer should be.

What keeps the reader's attention throughout the book is the variety of themes the author explores. We are dealing not only with writing, but also with family, relationships, romance, calling, as well as life and death. Observing her students, Arabella often makes assumptions about them, which are sometimes right and sometimes wrong, and we see that people are so multi-dimensional that we can never be sure what to make of them.

And last but not least, the novel is well-composed and rich in descriptions, which again makes the reader feel like a part of the class. There is always a new lesson and a new visit to Vera, which we are anticipating with every page, and there is also Arabella's personal tragedy, her loneliness and helplessness that make her doubt herself from time to time, which makes it hard for a reader to close the book before the last page is read. It is definitely a novel one who is passionate about writing will appreciate.

Rate Your Professors: Your Voice Does Matter

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HURRAY! There is this moment you have been waiting for, and for a few weeks: the day after the last exam! You don't know yet how you did, but at this point, it does not matter. There will be another semester in about a month (if you are not taking winter classes, of course), but for now, it's time to do as many fun things as possible.

However, I don't recommend you to forget about school completely. A good thing to do is, before you forget all about your classes and professors, to go to Rate My Professors and leave your comments, in addition to the official evaluations your school has already asked you to fill in.

Why should you bother? Well, there are other students making their schedule right now, and they would like to know what professor they should take. School is expensive, and no one wants to waste their time with the professor they would hate. Therefore, it is important that you leave detailed comments to let others know what to expect from the professor and the course.

I have never been a fan of professors' ratings, and never bothered to read them, but this Fall semester (my first semester at Hunter College), I went online and checked the ratings of the professors I was going to take. I must admit that it helped me a lot because I knew what to expect. Most comments were truthful and helpful.

What I like best about Rate My Professors is that there is a variety of comments on the basis of which I can come to certain conclusions. There are students who use those websites to put the professors down because they did not get the grade they expected, and you can see that. If you read with attention, you can distinguish real feedback from made-up complaints. For example, "too much writing" in a writing intensive section is not a valid reason for complaining.

Thanks to the website, I managed to pick very good classes and very good professors, and I will definitely leave my rating there for the future generations of students, so that they will also have an idea about what the class will be if they sign up for it. And I definitely recommend you to have your voice heard by others as well.

Click here to get Rate My Professors iPhone App.

Running into a Story

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What I love the most about New York City is the fact that one doesn't have to travel the world if he or she is in New York: the world travels around him or her instead. Tonight Joyce Carol Oates, the distinguished, award-winning American writer and the guest speaker at Hunter College, appeared on my horizon as a solemn moon evoking the thoughts of creativity and inspiration. She spoke to the audience about literary inspiration, beginning with authors like Katherine Mansfield and Hermann Melville, and also sharing some of her own, for example, she admitted that looking at a picture of Marilyn Monroe in her teens moved her to do some research and resulted in her novel, Blonde. The author also mentioned that to some writers, inspiration comes in a dream (which as she confessed, has never happened to her), or through the first line that pops up out of nowhere and might make no sense at first. We all have our own ways of running into a story, or even sometimes let the story run into us, in the most unexpected ways.

There are stories that begin with a character: a real person that fascinates us, or an imaginary one, sort of a sweater to be knitted, with no hole to be left somewhere in the middle. There are also plot-driven stories where the action is more important than those who take part in it; these can be compared to a beautiful mansion we admire when passing by without having a clue to whom it belongs. And finally, some stories are erupted out of a single line, and idea that yearns for development, a sound rebellion against an empty page, and at the same time, a forest trail that might lead to a beautiful lake, or to a wolf hungry for some fresh meat. We will never know until we start running along the trail, hoping for a happy ending, hopefully a publication, or at least, some recognition of our creativity.

When I walk around New York, I seldom pay attention to faces around me. Paying attention to faces is often punished: people immediately start a conversation, or ask for some change. But at the same time, as a writer, I always try to catch a glimpse of life, of human happiness and misery, and to reflect what I saw on the pages of word documents spread around the screen of my laptop like stars on the midnight sky. Last week one of the tiny stars appeared on The Rusty Nail magazine's web page, which makes me proud and happy: at least, now there is something besides my passport that bears my name.

"Is it about you?" a few people asked me.

The thing is, sometimes we run into a story on a hideous street corner, and it bumps into us like a rude stranger strolling right through, and it is really up to us how much truth we let it keep, and how much input our imagination will provide. Let the readers create their own myths. Admit to it or deny it - all that matters is whether your story outlives you, or vanishes like a bird song into thin air before you do. 

Why Buying Insurance for Your Smartphone Is a Must

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During the five years I have been living in New York, I dealt with all major phone service providers except for Verizon, and from my own experience, I know that you always need to examine your bill for charges that should not be there, or go to the T-mobile store rather than to an authorized dealer like Ameritel. But the most important thing is to get insurance for your smartphone. Here is a story I wish someone told me before I got myself into all this hassle.

I became a T-mobile customer for the first time in April 2010. My boyfriend and I got a family plan for two years and received two Blackberry Bolds (both of them worked well for almost two years). In September 2011 my boyfriend decided to get the new Bold, with keyboard and touch screen, and he bought it from an authorized T-Mobile store for full price. Three months later he decided to get an iPhone and gave me his new Bold. I canceled his line and registered the new phone with my line. Our contract was to expire in 6-7 months, and I only paid half of the cancelation fee; however, to keep my line running, they made me renew my contract for another two years. I didn't understand why I had to do that, but I just got a new phone, and I was happy to stay with the company for another term, since I liked the service and I had never had any problems with T-mobile.

In March 2012, my Blackberry Bold did not turn on. I did not drop or put water on it, and it looked brand new. For some unknown reason, the software stopped working without a warning. I went to the T-mobile store, and since I didn't have insurance, they gave me a cold shoulder. They said the phone had been purchased for another line (both lines were in MY name anyway, so what's the difference), so basically, according to them, I didn't have the right to claim warranty on it. To make matters worse, I couldn't find the receipt to prove the purchase, and neither could the store where the purchase was made in September. The best suggestion of the store's clerk was to take advantage of my upcoming upgrade (meaning to buy a new smartphone and forget about the old one, for which my boyfriend and I paid over $600).

I was outraged by the treatment and the refusal to honor my warranty. I even called RIM, and I told them that the phone came out 6 months ago, and that there has to be some kind of a warranty for up to a year. I was told that they agreed with service providers like T-Mobile that the providers would be responsible for the warranty. The bottom line was, no matter what I did and whom I called, my problem was not solved.

As a result, I went to AT&T store and purchased an iPhone 4S (which cost me $200, compared to $300 for a Samsung Galaxy T-Mobile offered me WITH UPGRADE). When I called customer service to cancel my contract, they miraculously "found" my Blackberry Bold purchase and were willing to work with me (when I called or inquired in different stores, they claimed they didn't see the purchase in their computers as though it had never happened). This was after three days of me having no phone, calling the Customer Care, and going back and forth to various T-Mobile stores.

It was tempting to agree to their conditions and get a new Blackberry Bold, but at the same time, I felt nauseous thinking that I would have to deal with T-Mobile customer service again if something happens. With a sigh of sadness (money lost on Blackberry) and relief (no more T-Mobile), I said, "No, thanks," and went on to exploring my new iPhone.

And by the way, because I canceled my T-Mobile contract, I was hit with a $200 cancelation fee, which would not apply to me had they not prolonged my contract for two years at the time I canceled my boyfriend's line for a known-only-to-them reason.

As of now, I have been an iPhone user and an AT&T customer for over 6 months. Four months after I got the phone, the speakers stopped working. I did have Apple Care, and I contacted the company. Polite and helpful representatives attempted to solve my problem over the phone on Sunday evening, and when it didn't help, they made an appointment for me to visit a store for a possibility of repair or even phone replacement. The following day I went to the SoHo Apple Store, and my speakers were replaced within an hour. "You don't have to pay anything; it is covered by the warranty," I was told. I didn't have to go around with a poorly functioning phone longer than 24 hours, as I had to with T-Mobile.

So it all comes to this: if you know you're dealing with T-Mobile (for example, if their prices are more appealing than AT&T's), you need to get insurance. Otherwise, if something happens to your smartphone, you're in a sinking boat in the middle of the Atlantic.